Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open.
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!"

So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?

Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.

Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"

This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.

Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.

http://www.aish.com/d/w/48955756.html?mobile=yes&c=y

I totally agree with these reasons for picking the wrong person.  The problem with some of these line ups is that sometimes you THINK you're connected but because you may not have enough life experience, you don't realize that you're not as connected as you think.  Also, you may THINK you've put everything out on the table but again, because of a lack of life experiences, there are things you won't think to put out there.  Just some thoughts that came to mind when I decided to get married at 27.  I thought that I had considered a whole lot and as the marriage went on, I realized that I hadn't considered much at all.

I like this Panther and I can't find one point I disagree with. Great post.

I like this Panther and I can't find one point I disagree with. Great post.[image]

-matrixone05

I wish I could take the credit for this, but a friend sent it to me.

I totally agree with these reasons for picking the wrong person.  The problem with some of these line ups is that sometimes you THINK you're connected but because you may not have enough life experience, you don't realize that you're not as connected as you think.  Also, you may THINK you've put everything out on the table but again, because of a lack of life experiences, there are things you won't think to put out there.  Just some thoughts that came to mind when I decided to get married at 27.  I thought that I had considered a whole lot and as the marriage went on, I realized that I hadn't considered much at all.

-vibewitme2

What did you realized you had not considered? (if you don't mind me asking)

I thought I had made a list of stuff for compatibility that was NOT superficial.  Because I didn't know WHAT was important in life, my list was pretty superficial.  I didn't have someone sit down and talk to me about how important it is that you partner be able to WORK THINGS OUT with you.  I didn't have someone who talked to me about my partner making me feel safe enough to talk to him.  Those are crucial.  If you take a look at your partner, analyze his behavior to see if whether or not that behavior will bring death or life to the relationship.  That might give you a good indication of whether or not your relationship has a fighting chance.  For instance... if your partner tells you lies... how long will that last before the relationship dies... or if your partner loves to spend money before you all even pay the bills... how will that work in making the relationship strong in the long run.  On a positive note, if your partner hears what you say when you're angry at them and they do NOT belittle you for your thoughts and concerns, will that grow or kill your relationship?  That is what I mean.  I thought that my ex thought as I did about family and how important family is... he felt very comfortable leaving the rearing to solely me.  I had seen it as more of a you and I will pour into them what they need to learn (only because I thought there were a lot of things I liked about him that I wanted passed onto the children).  In any case, I found out that what was important to me at 27 quickly became stuff that wasn't important to me when kids came along.  I had always known what was important for my children but didn't realize how my ex's attitude would play out with them... until they came into the picture.

All good ways but what happened to being unequally yoked? What about the woman who is active in church and chooses that street wise guy or vice versa. She's at bible study while he's somewhere shooting craps or he's at bible study while she's somewhere getting high. Also what about picking the wrong person because of or lack of money? You overlook all the bad because you are blinded by the money, but choose them anyway. As long as some women can go shopping and buy whatever they want, nothing else matters for a while. One thing that shocked me many years ago was the number of women who marry men who beat them up. Everything was rosy for a while until you push his buttons. He beats you up during the courtship, but you still marry the fool. I don't understand it and probably never will, but it should be on the list. Marrying the wrong person when the first sign of abuse is shown. Maybe that could fall under expecting them to change category. When children are from one or both sides and you've never lived together as a family, you can do all the talking, planning and figuring beforehand, but the unexpected will happen sooner or later. In that scenerio, it is difficult to know if you married the wrong person or not. It could be that you married into the wrong family.

Vibe, thanks for sharing. I definitely understand what you mean now.

There are many reasons people choose the wrong mate, but also remember that part of being in a relationship is growing together.